Carlie K.: 0:00

Hey, hey. Hey. How's it going, everybody? Welcome back to the Praying Couple podcast. For those of you who don't know us, we are Mike and Carly Kirchhoff. Today's episode is one that we're excited to share because we know God is going to use this to set people free. Today's episode is entitled, When You're in Different Spiritual Places, How to Pray Together Without Pressure. Today we're stepping into something tender and honestly something that many couples carry quietly for years. It's the reality of being in different spiritual places. Sometimes one spouse feels hungry for God, eager to pray, ready to grow. And the other spouse may love God too, but feels unsure, hesitant, wounded, distracted, overwhelmed, or simply not confident. And when you're not in the same place spiritually, prayer can start to feel complicated. What's painful is that many couples don't talk about this openly, they just adapt. One spouse prays privately, the other stays silent. Prayer becomes something that exists in the marriage, but not between them. And we want to say right at the beginning: if that's your story, you're not alone. This is a very real part of discipleship in marriage. Learning how to walk with God together, even when growth looks different in each person.

Mike K.: 1:25

And let's name the fear honestly, because it's usually not about prayer, it's about what prayer represents. Prayer is intimate, prayer reveals your heart, prayer exposes weakness, prayer can feel vulnerable. So when couples are in different spiritual places, the deeper fear often sounds like, if we pray together, will I be judged? Will I be pressured? Will I disappoint my spouse? Will I feel exposed? Will this turn into conflict? And because those fears are so real, prayer becomes avoided. Not because you don't love God, but because you don't want to create tension. So today, we're going to let God's word do the heavy lifting.

Carlie K.: 2:19

Amen.

Mike K.: 2:20

We're going to look at what scripture says about spiritual growth, unity, gentleness, and love. And then we're going to give you a clear, safe pathway to start praying together without pressure.

Carlie K.: 2:34

Amen. That's really, really good. Because, you know, a lot of times people think that if you're in different spiritual places, that it disqualifies you and your marriage from, you know, having prayer, unity in prayer, or intimacy in prayer. And that's a lie. Uh, we want to start actually by breaking a lie. The lie is if we were really strong Christians, we'd be in the exact same place spiritually. Listen, that sounds spiritual and that sounds all good and well, but it's not biblical.

Mike K.: 3:02

That's right.

Carlie K.: 3:03

Scripture actually shows us that God gives different measures of faith and different growth journeys. Romans 12, 3 says, For by the grace given to me, I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned. That means that faith is not a competition, it's not a performance, and it's not some uniform you put on. God assigns measures and God grows people over time in his perfect timing. So if your spouse is in a different place than you, which listen, if we're being real, 100% of the population is in a different place because we're all different.

Mike K.: 3:46

Yeah.

Carlie K.: 3:46

It doesn't mean that you that your spouse automatically is disqualified from loving God or that your marriage is spiritually failing. It may simply mean God is working differently in each of you during this season.

Mike K.: 4:02

And let's go even further. Scripture shows us even among Jesus' disciples, growth wasn't equal. Some were bold sooner, some struggled longer, some needed repeated correction. Yet Jesus shepherd them with patience. So if Jesus can disciple imperfect people with gentleness, we should not be surprised that marriages have seasons where one spouse feels stronger and the other feels weaker. And this matters because when couples assume spiritual mismatch equals spiritual failure, they often respond in one of the two unhealthy ways. One spouse becomes controlling and pressuring, the other becomes defensive and withdrawn, and prayer becomes the battlefield. But prayer never was never meant to be a battlefield. Prayer is meant to be the meeting place.

Carlie K.: 5:04

Yeah, that's really, really good. So that means that we need to rebuild the meaning of prayer right here. This is the perfect place to do it because some couples are avoiding prayer together because prayer feels like a spiritual test. And if prayer feels like a test, and most people are not volunteering to take tests, then they're not gonna do it. They're gonna, they're gonna walk away from it. They're going to avoid it like the plague. Listen, we have uh we have right now a son who's a senior in high school. He's our youngest. And when it comes to tests, listen, he's gonna try to take them. He doesn't like the studying, even though he's extremely intelligent, he still doesn't like tests. So if it we just need to to say that here because Jesus actually speaks directly to this in Matthew 6, 7, and 8. He says, and when you pray, do not heap up empty phrases as the Gentiles do, for they think that they will be heard for their many words. Do not be like them, for your father knows what you need before you ask him. Did you hear that? God's not impressed by the length of your prayers or by the words that you speak. He's not impressed by performance. God is our heavenly father, and our father is not impressed by those things. Instead, he's moved by your sincerity, the posture of your heart. So prayer is not how spiritual you sound. Prayer is not proof that you're the better Christian. Prayer is not an opportunity to preach at your spouse. Prayer is simply turning your hearts toward God together and communicating with Him.

Mike K.: 6:39

That is so true. And for the spouse who feels hesitant, we want to say this. The Bible acknowledges that sometimes we don't even know what to pray. Romans 8 26 says, likewise, the Spirit helps us in our weakness, for we do not know what to pray for as we ought to. But the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. That means weakness does not disqualify you from prayer. Weakness is the very place the Holy Spirit helps you. Yeah. So if one spouse feels weak or unsure, that is not a reason to avoid praying together. It's an invitation to depend on God together.

Carlie K.: 7:24

Yes, amen. So then let's talk about that. Let's talk about pressure because pressure is what turns prayer into something unsafe. Pressure often shows up like this: it's correcting how your spouse prays, evaluating their spiritual maturity, comparing them to yourself, or using prayer time to send hidden messages, or making prayer the measure of whether they really care. And that is not our place. God says that man looks at the outward appearance, but he looks at the heart. And so it's important that we don't do that. His word is also very clear about what love looks like in relationships. First Corinthians 13, 4 through 7 says, Love is patient and kind. Love does not envy or boast, it is not arrogant or rude, it does not insist on its own way, it is not irritable or resentful, it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love is patient. That means if your spouse is growing slowly, you don't punish them with the pressure to perform to some man-made standard. Love hopes. That means you don't speak as if they'll never change. Instead, you speak the truth of God's word over them. Love is not irritable. That means prayer time shouldn't become a subtle emotional weapon or a place to ensue some kind of manipulative battle through guilt, shame, or some other tactic from the enemy.

Mike K.: 9:03

So true. And Ephesians 4:15 tells us to speak the truth in love. But the truth without love is not truth at all.

Carlie K.: 9:12

Yeah.

Mike K.: 9:12

It's control.

Carlie K.: 9:13

Yeah.

Mike K.: 9:14

God never calls husbands or wives to control each other into maturity. He calls us to love each other into his safety. So when we want, so we want to give you a very simple reframe that can change everything. Your goal is not to make your spouse pray like you're some someone else. Your goal is to create a marriage atmosphere where prayer feels safe. Because when prayer is safe, prayer becomes sustainable.

Carlie K.: 9:48

Amen. Some couples think unity means identical spiritual expression, but biblical unity is deeper than sameness. It's alignment and direction, it's covenant faithfulness, it's shared submission to Christ, even when personalities and pacing differ. Amos 3.3 asks, Do two walk together unless they have agreed to meet? That's powerful because it tells us that agreement is intentional. It's a choice, it's a meeting place, and you can agree to meet God together, even if you're not in the same emotional or spiritual place.

Mike K.: 10:25

So true. And in Philippians 2, verses 3 through 4 also gives us a posture that protects unity. It says, Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility, count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interest of others. In marriage, humility sounds like, How can I love you where well where you're at? How can I make prayer feel safe for you? Amen. That's the heart of Christ.

Carlie K.: 11:02

Yeah, looking out for the interest of your spouse is definitely the heart of Christ modeled in marriage. So now we we kind of want to talk about some practical pathways, right? How you can pray together without all this pressure that the enemy tries to filter and make it seem like it's holy when it's not. So we're gonna get practical here in a way that honors God, his word, and honors people's real emotions. So the first pathway, pathway number one, is to start with scripture, not your feelings. When you begin with scripture, the authority isn't the stronger spouse, the authority is God's word. And that instantly lowers the pressure. A simple starting place with this could be Psalm 23:1. The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. Read it together. Then one of you can pray one sentence, Lord, shepherd our marriage today. That's it. Like it's really that simple, y'all. Pathway number two, use one-sentence prayers for 14 days. So literally, you can start these, you know, simple, power-packed, because they're based in God's word prayers, for the next 14 days, not forever. This is just as a reset, right? To get you guys back into that rhythm or flow, or maybe not back into maybe you're doing this for the first time.

Mike K.: 12:22

Yeah.

Carlie K.: 12:22

But one sentence each, or even one sentence total. So an example of this might be Lord, give us peace in our home today. Or Jesus, help us love each other well. Or maybe something simple like, Father, protect our marriage from division. These are simple, but they are powerful. They are rooted in God's word, and they're going to keep your marriage moving forward, not pausing it or offending one another or manipulating each other, but simply moving the marriage forward by speaking life. Okay, so pathway number three is agree on a time container, not a spiritual performance. So, you know, you could say, hey, we'll pray together for two minutes. Literally, that's that's fine. Not don't say things like we'll pray together until it feels spiritual. Our relationship with God is not based on our feelings, okay? It's based on the truth of his word. That's right. There are some seasons where you may be able to pray for an hour. Other seasons, it may be 30 seconds. And that's not an exaggeration. I know that there were times where my husband, he was literally on a battlefield.

Mike K.: 13:32

Yeah.

Carlie K.: 13:32

He couldn't pray for an hour and just seek the presence of God in the midst of the battle. That wasn't what he was doing. Him even just saying the name of Jesus at times was more powerful than you know these other things that he maybe had prayed and other ways he had prayed during different seasons of his life. So seriously, two minutes a day with your heart focused on him, on Jesus, that's gonna be 30 minutes once a month or 30 minutes in general when you're not really focused on the Lord.

Mike K.: 14:07

That is so true. And this leads us into pathway number four for any of the spouses out there that might be hesitant. Okay, let the hesitant spouse say amen to the end of prayer. The hesitant spouse doesn't have to leave, they can participate by agreement. That's biblical, that's unity. Amen. Matthew 18, 19, which we read earlier, shows agreement carries power. Yes. Agreement can start with amen. So now let's go on to pathway number five. Pray after you've calmed down, not in mid-conflict. Okay, make sure that some couples try to pray in the heat of conflict and it blows up. It's okay to say, let's take 20 minutes or whatever, and we'll come back and pray.

Carlie K.: 14:59

Amen. This is all really, really good. It's very practical, and we encourage you guys to write this down because some of this stuff in here is definitely going to help you break free from some of the lies that the enemy has tried to plant into your heart to cause division between you and your beloved. So if you're listening today and you feel relief because you finally have permission to be honest, we want you to know that God's grace is sufficient for your marriage. Yes. He is not a harsh God. He is not impatient. He is near to the humble and he's loving and forgiving. And if you're thinking we want to do this, but we need help building this into our lives, we have no idea where to start. Well, that's exactly why we created the marriage prayer club.

Mike K.: 15:47

Yes.

Carlie K.: 15:47

Not as a replacement for your time with God, but as a place where couples are supported to pray scripture, build organic prayer lives, and grow together in Christ without outside pressure or emotions. Now, the marriage prayer club, you know, when God called us to start this, because he built this, listen, this was God's idea. Yeah. God is so amazing. The things, he knows the hearts of his children, he knows the struggles that we face. And as a couple that has been in marriage ministry for almost 30 years, one thing we know about God is that not only does he recognize the needs of his children, but he has already a plan in place through the blood of Jesus Christ to solve the problems that we face. So when we come together every month in the marriage prayer club, we have a unified theme. So the goal of the marriage prayer club is yes, to get back centered on praying for your own marriage, to pray with and for your spouse. But the goal is also to come together in prayer for marriage around the world, for marriage to be restored back to the kingdom of heaven from which it originated and where it belongs. This is something, this is a worldwide movement that you're joining. This isn't just something that you're joining to say, oh, I am part of the marriage prayer club. That's great. But this is literally going to uncover things within you. It's going to bring a hunger and a fire out of you that you don't even remember is there. Maybe you've never even discovered it. You're going to unearth some things through the power of focused biblical prayer and the power of agreement, not only between you and your God and you and your spouse, but you and hundreds of other couples around the world just like you. So we're coming together. We're coming together in prayer, we're coming together in agreement, and we're allowing the spirit of the living God to use us to get marriage back into the place that he designed it to be. So it's it's really, really exciting. And the first step with that is visiting the marriageprayerclub.com. We'll have all this in the show notes for you so you can easily come and join us. But we look forward to having you in there and we look forward to seeing God move in your marriage and even showing up on the live monthly prayer meeting calls that we have.

Mike K.: 18:12

And even if some of you out there, you're thinking I've tried it before and stopped, or if there's any spiritual differences have made prayer feel like tense, you you don't have to, you don't have to do this alone.

Carlie K.: 18:25

Amen.

Mike K.: 18:26

You with this, you have structure.

Carlie K.: 18:29

Yeah.

Mike K.: 18:30

You you have guidance. Yes. You have a community that understands what it actually looks like in real life. So we invite you to this.

Carlie K.: 18:38

Yeah, it's exciting, you guys. And and I think what's been really awesome for Michael and I, we've been in marriage ministry since the late 90s. One of the things that's been really awesome about it is just watching God moving through his children, watching marriages be restored because we decide to say yes. Watching generational curses of divorce being broken because we have the audacity to take God at his word. This is all like, y'all, this is so exciting. This is why we're here. This is what we do. And this is what the praying couple is founded upon. And we praise God for it. So we're gonna go ahead and wrap up this episode in prayer. Father God, we thank you that you are patient and you are kind. We thank you that you do not break bruised reeds and you do not quench a smoldering wick. Lord, for marriages listening today, for the couples listening today that feel unequally yoked, bring gentleness where there has been pressure. Bring safety for them where there has been fear. Bring unity to their marriage where there has been distance.

Mike K.: 19:47

Teach husbands and wives how to walk together in humility, how to honor one another, and how to meet you daily without performance. Give a simple Rhythms that last, heal wounds, soften hearts, and protect their covenant. We ask that your word will become the foundation of your presence, will become the atmosphere in our homes.

Carlie K.: 20:16

Thank you, Jesus.

Mike K.: 20:16

In Jesus' name. Amen. Amen.

Carlie K.: 20:19

Okay, well, we love you all with the love of Christ. And we're here for you. Come check out our website at theprayingcouple.com. We have several things there that can serve you, that can help you. And one of the things that we're really excited about that's going to be coming in some episodes in the future, very shortly, is those of you that feel a call to marriage ministry, you're going to want to listen to the next episodes coming out in the next several weeks because we're going to give some amazing encouragement and information that's going to help you obey the call and get into the place where God has anointed you, appointed you, and called you to be. All right, y'all. We love you. And until next time, God bless. Bye bye.