Carlie K. 0:00

Hello, friends. Hey everyone. Welcome to the Praying Couple Podcast. We are so thankful to have you here with us today. If this is your first time with us, my name is Carly Kirchibel, and I'm joined here today with my husband and co-host, Mike Kirchibel. Today's podcast episode is called How to Pray Together Without Fighting About It. I know sometimes when people hear that, they're probably going to be like, huh?

Mike K. 0:26

Yeah.

Carlie K. 0:27

But but we'll get into it. For many couples, prayer sounds like a good idea in theory, but in practice, it's a little more complicated. You may genuinely want to pray together, yet every attempt seems to end in awkwardness, frustration, or even conflict. Some couples stop praying together not because they don't believe in prayer, but because prayer has become another place where tension shows up. If that's been your experience, we want to say this clearly from the start. You are not alone. Other couples are facing this too, and your desire to pray together is not misplaced. Today we're going to dive into God's word to help us better understand what prayer is meant to do in marriage and identify things that prayer is never meant to be used for.

Mike K. 1:14

That is good. Prayer exposes hearts. And when hearts already feel, you know, they they feel tender, misunderstood at times, or defensive. Prayer can unintentionally magnify our emotions.

Carlie K. 1:30

Yes.

Mike K. 1:30

Today, we want to help you understand why prayer sometimes turns into conflict and how scripture shows us a better way. This episode isn't about techniques to avoid fights, it's about learning how prayer can become a place of safety, unity, and shared dependence on God.

Carlie K. 1:52

Amen. Amen. It's true because many couples are surprised when we tell them that prayer has created tension in their relationship. But scripture actually prepares us for this. And it's not as uncommon as you think. Prayer requires vulnerability, and vulnerability reveals what's already there. So if you have unspoken hurt, unmet expectations, you know, spiritual insecurities, fear of being judged by your spouse, any of these things can actually cause tension unknowingly in your prayer time. James 3.17 tells us that the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. When prayer lacks gentleness and mercy, it often stops being prayer and it becomes something else. It becomes a place of correction, pressure, or emotional processing that hasn't been grounded in peace.

Mike K. 2:52

That is so true. Sometimes couples fight during prayer because prayer becomes the place where one spouse finally says what they've already been going through all day. And while honesty matters, prayer was never meant to replace healthy communication. When prayer becomes a substitute for conversation, conflict often follows right behind it.

Carlie K. 3:19

Yeah, it's really true. And you know, that doesn't seem like something that could happen or would happen during prayer, but it really is that place sometimes one spouse is so desperate to get answers because they're so frustrated by their spouse, you know, their husband or their wife, that they feel like the only thing that they can do, almost like tattletelling on like, you know, your children do that to each other. It's almost like you're tattletelling, you know, in front of God. Well, you do this. And like Mike just said, prayer is not a substitute for conversation between husband and wife. This is a place of intimacy between us and our God.

Mike K. 3:59

Yes.

Carlie K. 3:59

So prayer, you know, was never meant to be used to correct your spouse. This is not the place for that. You know, if if correction comes, let it be from the Lord when you're in prayer.

Mike K. 4:10

That's right.

Carlie K. 4:10

Because there's not going to be any sorrow added to it. There's not going to be conflict. It's going to be given in love and received in love. Prayer was never meant to be a place where you're convincing your spouse to do what you want them to do.

Mike K. 4:22

Yeah. Yeah.

Carlie K. 4:23

Because that's manipulation. And you know, the Bible calls anything that's manipulation witchcraft.

Mike K. 4:27

Yeah, that's right.

Carlie K. 4:28

And I talk a lot about that. Don't about that. Don't be praying these witchcraft prayers, trying to get people to bend to your will. Because God is the only one that knows the heart of a man or woman, of his people, of his children. Prayer was never meant to communicate disappointment indirectly. So prayer is not a place where you can should be being passive aggressive.

Mike K. 4:48

Right. That's good.

Carlie K. 4:50

Uh, prayer was also never meant to process unresolved conflict publicly or before God in that manner. Because sometimes we've been in prayer meetings where husbands and wives have literally tried to say things publicly in a prayer circle to embarrass their spouse or to do other things to try to call people out. And that is not the way that God has designed prayer. That has nothing to do with prayer. That's actually a hot mess. Is what it is.

Mike K. 5:16

That's exactly what it is.

Carlie K. 5:18

Matthew 6 6 gives us an important boundary. But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your father who is in secret. Jesus emphasizes posture and intention. Prayer is about communication and communion with God, not commentary on your relationship.

Mike K. 5:37

That is a good point that you brought up. Again, the posture is towards God, not you quote unquote winning an argument or a disagreement or calling someone out. It's not about that. So Ephesians 4 15 calls us to speak the truth in love. That means prayer should not be the place where truth is finally spoken without love or where love is avoided in the name of being spiritual.

Carlie K. 6:06

Yeah.

Mike K. 6:07

Prayer works best when it flows from peace, not when it is asked to create peace in the middle of conflict. For example, Jesus, he spoke to the storm and peace came afterwards. He never depended upon his disciples to pray for peace when they were inside the boat.

Carlie K. 6:27

Yeah, that's true. Because sometimes, you know, you we can obviously when we are at peace, it's fine, you know, to pray. And when you're not at peace, it's fine to pray. But what Mike is really saying is that in the middle of conflict, we can call out peace, but it's it's in these times where peace doesn't dictate our actions. Nothing should dictate our actions except for our faith.

Mike K. 6:53

That's right.

Carlie K. 6:53

Because the just shall live by faith. We walk by faith and not by sight. We know without faith it's impossible to please God because we have to come to Him when we pray in faith. And I I really like that distinction. That's a good example. One of the reasons prayer becomes contentious is that sometimes couples feel the pressure to say everything all at once. Yeah. Um, they just kind of words just start coming out and it's it just is it becomes a mess real quick. But scripture places far more emphasis on agreement than it does expression. Matthew 18, 19 says, again, I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. Agreement doesn't require long prayers, it doesn't require emotional processing, it requires a shared intention. Essentially, it requires faith, yeah, unified faith and agreement on different things that you guys are coming to the Lord about.

Mike K. 7:52

Now, agreement can sound like this Lord, help us walk in love today. God, we ask you for your provision as we move in faith. Father, protect our marriage, ministry, and family. These prayers are simple, they're safe, they're unifying, and they still carry power because we're you're using intentionality by bringing both husband and wife together, as you're saying, we.

Carlie K. 8:23

Yes, and intentionality is a good thing because when you are mindful and intentional of what you're doing. So, for instance, you know, just the simple prayers that Mike said, you know, you guys are coming together intentionally to ask God to protect your marriage, your ministry, and your family, that's good because you guys have the same mindset around this, you have the same desire. And God honors that because that's his word. He is our protector. Yes, he is our protector. I love that. So here are a few scripture-based principles that protect prayer from becoming a place of conflict in your marriage. The first one is pray after you've calmed down, not while emotions are high. Proverbs 15:1 reminds us a soft answer turns away wrath. Prayer should not be used to bypass emotional regulation. This is very, very important because we do have to learn how to regulate our emotions. Some of us, you know, emotional regulation really is established in infancy, like in the beginning of life by your caregivers. And so it's one of those things that sometimes people had tumultuous childhoods. They were not bonded with anybody, they didn't have caretakers. And so we have to, you know, in those cases, these people, you have to learn how to regulate your emotions as an adult, and it can be difficult. But it's one of those things that as you learn, God will show you how to do it. Counseling can help.

Mike K. 9:48

Yeah.

Carlie K. 9:48

Um, but as you learn how to do this, you will understand that, you know, the soft answer, it turns away wrath. Because if you're really angry, you don't know how to control your emotions. And then somebody says something crazy to you, you know, meeting you where you're at emotionally, angry with anger, it just adds fuel to the fire. Yeah. Whereas if you can walk away, you can think about it, have time to sit in it and come back, it's a lot different story. Then your words are not going to be as harsh, and you guys will actually get somewhere. Uh, two, prayer, you know, keep shared prayers short and focused. Okay. It doesn't have to be some big show. Ecclesiastes 5 2 says, let your words be few. Short prayers reduce the pressure and increase safety during times of conflict and uncertainty. So while you may have a lot of, you know, some of us are wordy. Mike and I can pray a lot of words. You know, we're definitely wordy people.

Mike K. 10:45

Yeah.

Carlie K. 10:45

But we also understand that it's not the amount of words that we pray that move the heart of God. It's our heart's disposition. Yes. It's us praying his word. And it's it's one of the things that during times of conflict, it is easier to just kind of keep it sweet, short, and simple, praying the word back to God because it helps us rebuild safety if trust or anything else has been lost. And lastly, save processing for conversation, not prayer. We talked about that a little bit ago. Prayer is for surrender. Conversation is for understanding.

Mike K. 11:21

That is so true. I'm glad that you brought that up. And remember, prayer is not a performance. Romans 8 26 tells us that the Spirit helps us when we don't know what to say. Silence, agreement, or even a single sentence can still be deeply spiritual to God because guess what? He's looking at our heart anyway. He's not amused or amazed by our big words or what we think are big, or us. Some people might have struggled with trying to say big words around their spouse. God is looking at the heart always. He knows when we're connecting with him. And when we connect with him first, he will take care of everything around us.

Carlie K. 12:04

Amen. Yes, that's so true. There, so you know, there are sometimes seasons when praying together can feel difficult. You know, it might feel a little too vulnerable, but that doesn't mean that prayer should stop. It means that you can adapt. So 1 Peter 3:7 reminds us that how we treat each other affects our prayers. Sometimes the most faithful step is to pray individually for a season while rebuilding that safety together. Mike and I talk, you know, we're both hold master's degrees in counseling, and we've been counseling married couples and individuals for decades. We've been coaching for decades. And one of the things that we've always understood was that safety is one of the biggest things that couples desire. Yeah. Husband and wife desire a safe place to be themselves. Yes. And so sometimes if that has been um, I guess violated, that's kind of a harsh word, but if if safety has been, you know, maybe just help me here.

Mike K. 13:08

Misunderstood.

Carlie K. 13:09

No, if it's if safety has just become, if it's become an unsafe space, I'll just say that. Marriage. It can take a while for safety to be rebuilt, if trust has been breached. And so when you are going through something like that, we encourage you, don't stop praying. Don't give up prayer. You may not be praying together, and that's okay, but don't disconnect from God. Keep your prayer life going and just trust and know that God will help you both heal and rebuild that safety within your relationship, your marriage relationship, so you can return to the altar of prayer together as a married couple because the enemy just wants to divide you. Just know that. He wants to steal, kill, and destroy. And one of the biggest gifts that God has given us is the covenant of marriage. Yes. And the enemy would do stop at nothing to destroy that. So you guys are not coming into agreement with God and his word. And so that your impact in this earth is not as powerful as it should be. Just keep praying no matter what you go through, because God is still faithful.

Mike K. 14:14

Amen. I'm glad that you brought that up. Because some of you out there might be like, man, I'm just going through a season where I feel like I'm I'm uh standing in the gap. But guess what? God's grace always will come through and turn the situation around. And here's one thing we want to talk about. Prayer is not a test of spiritual maturity, it's a tool for intimacy. And intimate intimacy grows where safety exists. I know earlier we've been talking about prayer and safety, and that's it. That's where the intimacy, intimacy comes from is being in a safe space. And it's not, again, it's not based upon spiritual performance or certain words. It's it's getting intentional and allowing God to rebuild that.

Carlie K. 15:06

Amen. It's true. So if you want prayer to unite your marriage, but don't know how to build that rhythm safely, you don't have to figure this out alone. No. This is why the marriage prayer club exists to help couples pray together with structure, scripture, and grace. So prayer becomes a place of connection instead of conflict. When we first established the marriage prayer club, God gave us this idea many, many years ago before we launched it. But we knew that it was going to be a beautiful place for God to continue to establish the things that He has called, aka husband and wife, the marriage covenant, his children, to be established and rooted in prayer.

Mike K. 15:49

Yes.

Carlie K. 15:50

And so we love what the club is already doing. We love hearing the testimonies from the couples who are in the club with us. And, you know, more than anything, this is a place where you can know that you are people are praying for you and your marriage. So we we obviously have tools that are establishing marriage, you know, marriage, couples praying together, but also establishing the heart posture and desire and love we have for our own marriage to spill over into marriages around the world. We are constantly interceding for other marriages. We're meeting together monthly to pray for other marriages, and we're all on a topic. So whatever the monthly topic is, that power of agreement, not just between you and your spouse, but between all of us in the marriage prayer club, processing the same scriptures, praying around the same thing, the same theme, it is a powerful move of God. And so we absolutely would love for you to join us. You can learn more about that at marriageprayerclub.com. And obviously, if you go to our website, theprayingcouple.com, you can find some information there too as well.

Mike K. 17:00

And the the the uh marriage prayer club is the safe space for us to draw closer to God and each other. And so, yeah, we're excited.

Carlie K. 17:11

Amen. Well, we're gonna go ahead and close out in prayer. Father God, we thank you that you desire unity in marriage. Where prayer has felt difficult, bring gentleness, God. Where conflict has formed, bring peace. We're asking you to teach us how to come before you together with humility, patience, and love.

Mike K. 17:32

Father, help us as couples uh listening today, create a safe space for prayer, spaces where your presence brings healing, not pressure. Restore trust, soften our hearts, and lead marriages into a deeper unity in you. I ask this in Jesus' name.

Carlie K. 17:52

Amen. Well, we will see you guys next time. We're so grateful for you. And just come check us out at at the praying couple.com. And also you can come visit us if you'd like to join us and come into agreement with us and couples just like you around the world in prayer at the Marriage Prayer Club. You can see that at marriageprayerclub.com and join us there. And we just look forward to connecting with you again next week. Be blessed.

Mike K. 18:20

Bye bye.