Carlie K. 0:00

Hello, friends. Hey everyone. Welcome back to the Praying Couple Podcast. We're your hosts Mike and Carly Kirchhoffal. We're the founders of the Marriage Prayer Club, a global gathering of Christian couples that have responded to the call to partner with us and God as we work to restore marriage back to the kingdom of God through the power of prayer. Today's episode is for the spouse who wonders if prayer really works. Does it really move the needle in marriage when only one of us prays or if we don't do it often? This episode is called, What happens when couples pray together every day? There are few questions we're asked more often than this one. Does praying together every day really make a difference? And behind that question is usually something deeper. It's not curiosity, it's longing. Longing for peace that lasts longer than one conversation, longing for closeness that doesn't disappear under stress, longing for a sense that God is actually present in the marriage, not just talked about. Daily prayer together isn't a trendy spiritual habit. No, it's not a performance marker, and it's not a guarantee that marriage will be easy, but it is one of the most formative practices a couple can choose because it shapes how a marriage relates to God, to each other, and to hardship over time.

SPEAKER_00 1:29

This episode matters because many couples assume that prayer should immediately fix circumstances. And when it does not, most often we cut quietly believe that it doesn't work or that we're doing it all wrong. Today, we want to talk about what actually happens when couples pray together every day, not in theory, not in ideal circumstances, but in real marriages with real wounds, real pressures, and real seasons of fatigue and letdown.

Carlie K. 2:05

Before daily prayer changes communication, intimacy, or behavior, it changes authority. It answers as a foundational question every marriage lives out. Whether consciously or not, who does this marriage ultimately answer to? Proverbs 3, 5, and 6 tells us, trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths. Daily prayer is a daily acknowledgement. It's a quiet, repeated act of saying, God, you are not an accessory to this marriage. You are central and vital to it. Over time, that posture reshapes decision making. Couples become slower to react and quicker to seek wisdom, not because we suddenly become more spiritual, but because prayer has trained us to pause.

SPEAKER_00 3:00

One of the most subtle dangers in marriage is not conflict, it's independence. It's the slow drift toward handling life side by side instead of together before God. Daily prayer confronts that drift. I remember shortly after Carly and I got married, I assumed that God would instantly answer our prayers. But I learned over time that God was more concerned about us seeking Him consistently rather than us focusing on the end result of our prayers being answered.

Carlie K. 3:34

Amen.

SPEAKER_00 3:35

Praying daily together creates discipline and good habits. When couples stop praying together, they don't stop believing in God, they simply stop consulting with him together. Decisions start being made based on urgency instead of wisdom, emotion instead of discernment, fear-based instead of trusting God. Scripture reminds us in Psalm 127:1, unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. That doesn't mean God abandons marriages that don't pray daily, but it does mean that prayer realigns who is leading. Daily prayer is a daily confession that our marriages belong to God, not to our own strength or logic or even for our own preferences. Over time, couples who pray together every day become slower to react and quicker to submit. Not because we are weaker, but because we have learned that submission to God produces peace that control will never do.

Carlie K. 4:50

Yeah, control doesn't produce peace, it's the exact opposite. And that's the part many people don't expect and don't talk about enough is that daily prayer doesn't immediately make things feel better. Often it makes things feel more honest. Yeah. Because prayer brings hearts into God's presence, and God's presence exposes what has been buried. Hebrews 4 12 says, For the word of God is living and active, discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. Daily prayer surfaces resentment, fear, pride, exhaustion, and unmet longing, not to shame us, but to heal us.

SPEAKER_00 5:28

That is so true. This is where many couples get discouraged, and we want to speak to this carefully. Daily prayer does not immediately smooth things out. In fact, it often brings to the surface what has been ignored, avoided, or buried deep down inside. And this can feel uncomfortable, even destabilizing at first. But scripture tells us that exposure is not cruelty, it's preparation. Psalm 139, 23 through 24 says, Search me, O God, and know my heart and lead me in the way everlasting. Daily prayer invites God to search our marriage, not to condemn it, but to lead it. When couples stay in prayer, even when things feel tender, they learn something crucial. That truth doesn't destroy intimacy, but the avoidance does. Prayer creates a safe place where honesty can exist without abandonment. That safety is what allows healing to begin.

Carlie K. 6:37

Yeah, that's really good. And it's so true. I think that's one of the things that people might really have the biggest issue with going back to that is that when we start to pray and we're asking God for wisdom, we are in fact asking him to show us who we really are.

SPEAKER_00 6:57

Yeah.

Carlie K. 6:57

And sometimes when we see who we really are, it doesn't feel good. No, it does not feel good. But the beautiful thing about it is we're partnering with a merciful, perfect God, a loving God, an almighty God who knows how to speak to us and show us the things that we need to do in a way that, like you said earlier, is not condemning. He's not condemning us, but he's convicting us. Holy Spirit's convicting us to say, listen, if you want to have more peace in your marriage, then you need to be a more peaceable person. Yes. Right? The things you think about, the things that come out of your mouth, the people that you're around. These are the things that that really start to come out when couples start to pray together. And so a lot of people start to give up. But we want to talk a little bit about how daily prayer trains humility without humiliation. One of the most powerful fruits of daily prayer is, in fact, humility. Not humiliation, but softness, softness towards Jesus, softness towards ourselves, and softness towards our spouse. James 4:6 says, God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble. Daily prayer creates repeated opportunities to lay down defensiveness, to hear your spouse speak vulnerably before God, to admit needs to one another without losing dignity. Over time, couples stop trying to win arguments and start trying to understand hearts. This, friends, is where the discipline of prayer unleashes God's power.

SPEAKER_00 8:31

That is so true. Humility is one of the most misunderstood virtues in marriage. It is often confused with silence, submission without voice, or losing yourself. But biblical humility is none of those things. Philippians 2, 3 through 4 says, do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility, count others more significant than yourselves. Daily prayer places both spouses on equal ground before God. No one is superior, no one is more spiritual, both are dependent. God showed me this personally that I am not to compare myself to Carly, but to humble myself through us coming together in prayer. Over time, prayer changes how couples argue, apologize, and even forgive.

Carlie K. 9:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:29

Defensiveness starts to decrease. Listening increases, and pride loses its grip. Not because someone is trying harder, but because prayer keeps returning our hearts back to God's authority.

Carlie K. 9:45

Gosh, I love that. That is just all so true. And it's such a beautiful illustration of the way God orchestrates the covenant of marriage. Yes. He is to be that third strand.

SPEAKER_00 9:59

Yes.

Carlie K. 10:00

It's so imperative that we are allowing him to be that for us. We need you, Jesus. Stress will test every marriage. Finances, parenting, health, aging, ministry, loss. Ecclesiastes 4 12 tells us a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Daily prayer weaves that third strand, God, consistently throughout our marriage, not just during a crisis, but before the crisis even arrives. This is why couples who pray together daily often navigate hardship differently. Not because we're stronger, but because we've practiced standing with God instead of scrambling and trying to figure it out all without Him.

SPEAKER_00 10:47

Amen. Stress has a way of exposing pressure points in our marriages, financial pressure, parenting strain, health concerns. These things don't create problems but reveal where unity has already been tested. Daily prayer becomes a stabilizing force because it teaches couples how to bring stress to God instead of letting stress turn them against each other. 1 Peter 5:7 tells us cast all your anxieties on Him because He cares for you. Notice the word all. Daily prayer gives couples a place to consistently release what they were never meant to carry alone.

Carlie K. 11:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:37

And never meant to carry against one another.

Carlie K. 11:40

I love that. That's just a daily spiritual habit, you know, that you we have to allow ourselves to train ourselves to obey, is to cast our anxieties, our cares on him. We like you just said, we don't have it, we're not strong enough to carry all these things that come our way alone. This is something, this is just a very, if we're looking at it from a very practical standpoint, this is actually very simple to do. It is, it is simple to say, you know what, Lord, I'm casting this upon you because you care for me. And in that simple act of obedience strengthens your prayer life.

SPEAKER_00 12:17

Yes.

Carlie K. 12:18

Because when we obey God, we begin to have a stronger bond with Him. We begin to focus on Him more instead of our circumstances or things that maybe we're just not pleased with, or you know, we stop complaining because we start communicating with God. Yes. And like we said earlier, pausing instead of just going on and on and on and on on some rampage about all the things we don't like or don't enjoy. And I love that about Him. Daily prayer also creates a shared spiritual language. Yes. So one overlooked fruit of daily prayer is, in fact, shared language. Over time, couples begin to recognize these themes, what they thank God for together, what they are concerned about, what they're trusting him with. Because sometimes, when you know, even when a couple like Mike and I, we've been married almost 30 years. Yeah. And at this point, we know each other pretty well. But listen, we still are learning things about ourselves and each other. Yeah. And so when we pray, that language does come out. These things come up because we have been praying together for, we've definitely been praying together longer than we've been married. So for 30 years or more. And that theme right there is it's giving us that understanding that when we humble ourselves before the Lord, nothing needs to be hidden. We are ourselves, we come as we are, literally naked and not ashamed. So Colossians 3:16 says, Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly. When scripture and prayer dwell richly in a marriage, communication becomes gentle, gentler. Yeah. We become more patient. We're more gracious with each other, even outside of prayer, not just inside of prayer, but just as our habits and our our daily lives.

SPEAKER_00 14:07

Yeah, the way that we conduct ourselves, you know, definitely can relate to that 100%. So over time, daily prayer gives couples shared spiritual reference points. They begin to recognize patterns, recurring fears, and repeated requests. These reference points open doors for married couples to be more compassionate toward one another. Romans 12, 15 tells us to rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Daily prayer teaches couples how to do both together. This shared language becomes a bridge when words are hard and emotions are high. It reminds couples we've been here before and God met us.

Carlie K. 14:57

Amen. I like when you're when you're calling it reference points because you know I love math. And I was just thinking about when I was younger, like probably elementary, junior, high school, just when you're doing the graphs or reference points. And, you know, they really do matter when you're looking at data. It shows you so much about who you are and just the way that God has, you know, restored you and the way he's led you. And I think that that's a really awesome way to look at it for those of us who are kind of a little more mathematically inclined. I'm seeing it a little differently now. So that was awesome language. See, even that, y'all, he just taught me something as we talk about prayer. Well, the next thing we want to talk about is just the legacy of our homes. The fruit of daily prayer doesn't go unnoticed, okay? Instead, it's really speaking volumes, it shapes character, children, legacies, and it dictates the spiritual atmosphere of the home. Deuteronomy 6, 6 and 7 says, These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. This is a perfect reminder that faith was always meant to be visible and woven into the daily lives of us, our of our families. Our children learn what matters most, not by our lectures, but by our lived rhythms. Our family dynamics really do start to become, you know, Mike and I, as we have been praying since the children were little, and when I say that, you guys, I'm not saying that in a prideful way. I'm saying that to just illustrate the importance of that discipline. We didn't always feel, like Mike said earlier, you know, we didn't always feel great about our prayers because a lot of times we felt like our prayers weren't being heard, let alone answered. Right. But it was through these continued conversations with God, not giving up, allowing him to shape us, mold us, guide us, show us who we are in his word and allow just life, right? The life that he's planned for us to shape us. And through that, these rhythms, Mike and I were praying together before the children were even conceived. And so then when they were born, naturally, this was something that we were doing with them, for them, and around them. So, you know, we own the registered trademark, the praying couple. Yeah, people around us noticed that even when we were young. And this is who God has called us to be. And so I say that to say that just remember for those of you who have children and grandchildren, or maybe teach children, yeah, that prayer is not only bless a blessing to you and to your heavenly father, but to those little ears and eyes that are watching you.

SPEAKER_00 17:49

Very much so true. And like you were saying, it's not about lectures, it's not about tasks. They need to see kids, grandkids, everyone. They need to see you work through things. They need to see that you are human, but you're you're you're you're consistent, you're creating good habits. Those are the things that they're gonna remember. All right. So even when children roll their eyes or act disinterested, daily prayer is shaping something deeper than behavior, it's shaping memory.

Carlie K. 18:18

Amen.

SPEAKER_00 18:18

Psalm 78, 4 says, We will tell the next generation the praiseworthy deeds of the Lord.

Carlie K. 18:25

Hallelujah.

SPEAKER_00 18:26

Children remember rhythms, they remember the atmosphere, they remember whether God was welcome into daily life or reserved for emergencies. Daily prayer teaches them that faith is not an event, it's a way of living.

Carlie K. 18:44

Amen.

SPEAKER_00 18:44

I remember when one of my grandmas was minutes away from dying, and yet she laid hands on my head and prayed over me as a five-year-old young boy. Even though I did not know Jesus personally at that time, God answered her prayers later on in my life as a teenager when I gave my life to Jesus Christ.

Carlie K. 19:06

Wow, that's beautiful. That's such a beautiful thing. Let's be honest, daily prayer is not always easy, okay? Life has a lot of interruptions. It's not scripted, right? I always make that joke like, listen, if if if life was scripted, I would write the perfect, beautiful story, but clearly it's not because that is not the description of my life. It's a beautiful story, but it's a lot of bumps in the road. You know, fatigue in daily life. That's that's the thing. It sets in. Seasons in marriage and life change. Lamentations 3, 22 through 23 reminds us that God's tender mercies are new every morning. His compassion never fails. Faithfulness in prayer is not about perfection. Okay, we talk about that a lot on the podcast in our resources. Serving God, we don't have to be perfect. We serve a perfect God, but he doesn't expect perfection from us, but he does demand faithfulness from us. Yes. This is it means returning. Even after a season of absence in prayer, we still return. He's always there waiting for us. So we don't have to beat ourselves up. Well, you don't understand, Mike and Carly. We never pray together, we never have, or maybe the last time we prayed together was I can't remember. It doesn't matter. That's right. God doesn't care about that. He cares about your heart. He is literally there waiting for you to come. He's not gonna be shaking his fist at you and saying, Oh, I can't believe that you haven't been here for 689 days. How dare you? No, he's gonna welcome you with open arms. The Bible tells us too, God says that if you draw near to me, that I will draw near to you. Yes, he loves with a loving kindness and a passion that we can't even fathom. His love is so deep for you. You are his child. Yes, so never let the enemy talk you out of having the life of prayer that God desires and designed for you. It is very imperative that you silence the enemy's lies and start open up your mouth and just start to pray.

SPEAKER_00 21:07

There you go. And some of you out there might be like, Man, I missed today. So guess what? Meaning prayer. Missed days does not negate fruit.

Carlie K. 21:17

No.

SPEAKER_00 21:17

What matters is persistence over time, not streaks, not checking a box.

Carlie K. 21:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:24

Again, God knows your heart.

Carlie K. 21:26

I like that. And that's exactly it. It's not about a to-do list. This is literally the disposition of your heart, your character, your relationship with God is not a human relationship. It is not, you know, it's not structured after the ways or the things in the of this world. So just come to him. He is waiting for you. Daily pressure flourishes best with encouragement, right? Daily prayer, not daily pressure. Daily prayer, it flourishes best with encouragement. Yes. And guidance, not pressure. That's why the marriage prayer club exists. To walk with couples as they build prayer rhythms that are realistic, grace-filled, and rooted in God's word.

SPEAKER_00 22:14

You were never meant to build this alone. That is why the Marriage Prayer Club exists to help you build your faith with our monthly resources provided. We are so excited to have you be part of what God is doing.

Carlie K. 22:29

Amen. And you can learn more about how you can join us and couples like you, just like you, all around the world in the Marriage Prayer Club. Just go to marriageprayerclub.com. It's also linked for you in the show notes. So we're going to go ahead and end this in prayer. Father God, we come before you with gratitude and humility. You see every marriage listening and represented right now. The strong ones, the weary ones, the hopeful ones, and the ones barely holding on. Nothing about their lives is hidden from you. We thank you that you are not intimidated by our inconsistencies, our weaknesses, or our fears. You are a God who meets us daily, not just in our best moments.

SPEAKER_00 23:20

Lord, we ask that you would teach couples how to return to you again and again. Where prayer has felt difficult, bring grace. Where it has felt awkward, bring safety. Where it has been absent, bring invitation instead of shame.

Carlie K. 23:39

Amen. Soften hearts, God, that have grown guarded, heal wounds that words have not been able to reach. Restore unity where stress and disappointment have created distance. Teach couples, including Michael and I, how to stand together before you, not in perfection, but in total dependence.

SPEAKER_00 24:00

God, give us wisdom for decisions, peace and uncertainty, and endurance in waiting. Remind us, husbands and wives, that you are actively present in our marriages, shaping, guiding, and strengthening us day by day.

Carlie K. 24:18

We place every marriage into your hands again today, Father. Lead them gently, hold them firmly, and let daily prayer become a place of peace, trust, humility, and deepening love over time. We ask all of this in Jesus' mighty name. Amen. Amen. Well, we love you all so much. We're so grateful that you stopped by and spent some time with us today. We pray that this episode was a gift to you and a blessing to you. And we look forward to seeing you on the very next episode. God bless. Bye bye.